i dont know why the hell im here. all i can say is that i have to let this all out because i know no human would want to hear this. most of them are too preoccupied with their own lives--some celebrating, some also problematic, some just couldnt care less.

so things are really going downhill. things are too fast and too slow at the same time. i dont want to be in this place where i am. i dont know maybe im saying this coz im so incompatible with life.

some people privy to a very important event in the past might say, oh you're strong, youve been through a lot and you can do this. maybe theyre right but that event wasnt what they all thought it was-- it wasnt some stupid thing that happens to teenagers and some really careless people. im sick. its not how everyone interpreted it to be. im really sick and im even infertile. and i might progress to diabetes if ever i dont have it at the moment.

im so scared like hell. i never imagined it would be this bad. i dont want to take stupid insulins my whole life and i dont want to not eat my favorite food like everyone does. this isnt happening and im too young and too poor for this to happen.

and i dont know how to control my life anymore. i just want some normal, stupid, life. i hate mine.

im so sad i could die.

hi. nakakapanibagong magsulat ulit. nabasa ko lahat halos  ng mga sinulat kong journals nung high school at halos lahat ng mga blog entries na sinulat ko sa LJ. grabe. ang drama ko dati exage. actually ngayon pa rin naman.

pero dati parang lovelifelovelife lang lahat ng entries ko......parang yung lang yung naiisip ko lagi.

ngayon..... grabe...sobrang exage sa dami na ng mga napagdaanan ko parang kulangot lang yung lovelife.

i love you LJ. :) mahal ko pa rin tong blog na to kahit may ibang blog na ko.

i seriously hate doctors now.


oo na, bobo na ko. dikdik mo pa. ayos lang. sige pa. wag kang magsasawa. para namang sobrang galing mo. doctor ka lang. if i only had the money, the books, and six-year long patience, id be a damn better doctor than you are. way way way better than you are. coz im UST grad, thats why. ah, no, not for that reason pala. im way way way better than you are coz i am me.

seriously. who the fuck do you think you are?

im fucking smarter. im fucking so much better, you whore.








but then again


maybe youre actually the one sign ive been waiting for.

im gonna get myself an MD on the end of my name too.

mark my words.

finally.

1. i read all your letters today. we were young then. funny how we were so close back then, when we havent even met yet. you sent me pictures and i send letters. we wrote letters every month. we constantly talked of praying for each other. we were sisters. we were long-distance best friends. then you visited me here twice. dream come true for us, we said. then college. then came the heartbreaks. it is simple to understand that we should be closer to each other coz we've met, talked, cried, laughed together, through letters, fone calls, vacations; yet it is so hard to believe now that we have all the technology to talk every second of everyday, we're more apart than ever. i miss our talks. i miss the days when our worries were only transferring schools and secret admirers. maybe, id write to you again, one of these days, though i dont know where you live now, ill try to find you. then we would be the way we were when we first started sending letters to each other. i would get to know you again. catch up on 6 years of missed news. life is hard now, unlike how we've dreamt of it when we were young. you wanted to be a doctor and i wanted to make films. im now an unemployed nurse and you're taking classes. we're fallen leaves in an almost-dried up puddle. i will get there too, someday. we'd share apartments and tour the world. live next to each other after getting married. babysit each other's babies and talk about our stupid husbands. talk about that one person we miss so much. i wish hes still alive. things would be different. maybe.

2. you told me all your books will be mine. now daddy's been smuggling them in the house. he thinks i havent read any, and wont even let me touch your books. he just doesnt know i understand more than he does. ive read almost everything you own, except the Secret Doctrine. you told me i could, when im older. i miss our dinners. how youd chew your food fifty times before swallowing. i miss your carrots and your large dilis. your energized water. i wish you never left. you were the only one i had when i was 8 and lonely, away from my siblings. i loved the smell of your room--hair oil and jergens lotion and baby powder. i miss how well you kept your upstairs room. i loved going there, its like a mystical, forbidden place. i loved your stories about Baba, your life in the States, your baby sitting sessions with my cousins, your travels around the world, ESP, the occult, the astral plane, the invisible helpers, geoffrey hudson, h.p. blavatsky, dreams and their meanings. you were the only one i had when i was so lonely. i loved how the house was when it wasnt renovated yet. I loved the creaky floors, the underground pond, the buried railway. i deeply regret that i failed to call you or visit you as often as i could have. i regret that i was only there when you were unconscious. i regret that i wasnt there to say goodbye. i remember the morning they told us you were gone. it was me who answered the fone. and i didnt even know how to tell lola. the weird thing is i didnt cry. i had to induce my tears. and now whenever i remember how we were, i cant stop crying. and i am so so sorry. and i terribly, terribly miss you. i wish you could see everything i had to go through. yes i know, youd say im so stupid. if you were here it would make a lot of difference. i love you. i wish youre still here. i know youd help me get a job. you were the most connected man i knew. and you're a great man. i dont even know how i could be like you. wait for me. i know someday, in another life, we'd meet again. i cant stop crying, see. im sorry. im just so lost. and i know, if you were still alive, you'd help me find my way.

3. im sorry. i know i could be better. i will be better. thank you for the very expensive make-over. i really feel loved when im around you. i wanna make it up to you. youre my second mom. and i hope i could see you again. thank you for making me experience how life should be lived. i still pore over your travel magazines and books. i want to be strong like you.

4. you're the coolest guy in the world. the best. you are unbelievable. someday, ill surprise you just like you did  the first time ive seen you in years, remember that? and someday, ill be the one who would bring you to nice places. i owe you an entire month of hotel stay and a whole box of designer items. and i owe you my dad's second sunshine.

5. we used to call each other everyday, after school, as soon as we get off our school buses. you were the coolest person in the whole school. you knew hollywood. you were everything glitzy and glamorous. your circle was the funniest, smartest, proudest group of the batch. and i was one of them. i remember telling you everything in my life. we'd talk for three solid hours. we laughed aloud in class. we were envied and hated and loved and feared. we used to be one of the mightiest, or so we thought. and somehow we both knew, we'd grow up being proud dreamers but vulnerable believers. i used to call you my best friend. ive always seen you that way. heck, id even invite you when i get married! youve always been on the list of my most important and most trusted people. but somehow you didnt think im open-minded and mature enough to understand you. if only you knew; id accept you, whatever and however you turned out to  be. and my lovelife isnt the only one worth talking about. ive grown cooler over the years. ive been everything and anything. but you arent as comfortable with me as you used to be. i miss you a lot. youd always be the coolest. the smartest. the most goal-driven. i still want to be friends. i hope youd see me in a different light. its not true that i pigeon-hole you. people change, you say. im not the same as before.


7. i wish youd stop what youre doing. youre making everybody sick. you ruined a persons life and doing that makes everyone's life shitty. im grateful for everything youve done for me. and i really really love you. and i wish i could give you everything you need, everything youve always wanted. and im on a quest to bring you just that. but please. dont do that again. im sorry i was such a brat before. i was young. im better now. i wont let you down.

8. im always here. and let me do that for you. i wish youd take time off, and take care of yourself. i just hope you stop being miserable sometimes. and i wish you'd make friends. out of billions of people, i know that you'd find someone worth trusting. im sorry for my mistakes. i did them to save you from more pain. i know i continue to humiliate you, but im sorry. i dont know how to make it up to you.

9. i wish you could be more stable. i love you dearly. you're one tender spot in my heart and even though we argue like crazy sometimes, you're very very important to me. even though i dont see you or talk to you often, i always worry about you. you're a witness to my creative side and you always believe in my talents. as i do in yours. someday, when i finally get work and get money, id see you as often as i could. and i wont let you go. i promise.

10. i know. the comfortable silences. i hope you arent like some of the friends ive had over the years--they say we'd be friends forever but its only been 4 years and theyve completely forgotten everything theyve promised. please dont let go. im always here. you know ive been thru everything and ive been everything, so call me up when something bugs you. we planned to do a lot of stuff and we never got to do it. im sorry i still dont have anything for those things yet. but we'll travel around the world, you see. walk the unpaved roads and shop like crazy. youre an old soul and so am i, and i need you coz you understand me in a way others cant. and i know you know what i mean. ill see you around.

11. you owe me a lot and i cant tell you enough. i know. i know. or i dont.

12. i didnt lie. i just said those things so that he would believe me. i forced myself to say that. and back then i completely relied on you. turns out you betrayed me. and how you used a dialect to laugh behind my back. but it doesnt really bother me, coz people now know what a miserable old cow you really are. i trusted you. i respected you. my family liked you. back then i was unaware of this uneasy feeling, something like, i dont belong. i was so right. so glad im not with you anymore. thank god someone actually believed me and rescued me from your claws. anyway go on and tell people that im a liar. i really dont mind.

13.  cant thank you enough. sorry for the misunderstandings. but i really love you. i hope we could be close again. i know, people ive introduced you to are funnier and more interesting than me. ive ran out of happy stories and im so humiliated, sad, sick and unemployed. ive broken a lot of promises. i know you put a prime on keeping one's word, and ive failed too many times. i want you to know i havent forgotten, and someday, this will all come back to you. i know how much you valued me and you've made me happy beyond imagination. the days i spent with you were the best ive had since i got into that god-forsaken place. and i love you dearly, you saved me from so much sadness. i looked forward to going to class just because you're around. sorry for being a brat, and for being tactless. ive grown. i know ive much to learn, ill get there. you'll always be my big shades, my crazy-dance partner, my weekend. you're very important to me.

14. i dont want you to go. but i cant ask you to say. im sorry i reacted that way. i was just surprised. ill miss you terribly. i need someone to fill up the seat next to me. i always want you to be around. i need your sarcasm. your wisdom. your patience. im sorry for being such a lousy friend. i never thought this one person who seemed so geeky at first can be unbelievable cool and beautiful and funny. ill visit you sometime. you still have work to do with me, remember? sorry im so emotional over this. i just thought you'd always be the way you were, you know, we'd always be the way we were, young and crazy and noisy and full of bravado. im happy youd be starting a new life. omg see im crying now. sorry i never told you this, but you were a big part of that four-year party that just ended last year. cant believe id wont be next to you anymore. i really miss you and would miss you more if you go. anyway please dont forget to write. i dont want this to come off as im sad that you'd be having a family soon. im just saying that id miss our crazy times and i was wishing we could do more crazy stuff and now that we cant do those things coz youd be soooooo far away, im so so terribly sad. its actually making me depressed. i'll see you off. omg.  sorry  for everything ive done. sorry for the by-the-minute  offenses. thank you for believing in me, for pushing me towards those goals i was so doubtful to pursue. thank you for everything, for doing the stuff i wasnt able to finish, for accompanying me everywhere. i miss you already. i love you.

15. thank you for being my teacher, my avid listener, my motivator. you were crucial to my moving-ons. you are the most reliable person ever. i like the way you approach things. thank you for catching me everytime i fall. ive told you already, right? that you'd be the most successful person among my peers. and i trully believe in that. thank you for the sleep-overs. for our friends. for the trust. thank you for seeing the good in me.

16. we used to hurry home in cabs. we talk to the drivers ala-erning and tado. sometimes you go with me to churches and chapels. we stay there till my tears run dry. i never got to thank you for the friendship. dont worry, no matter what they say, i believe in you. we're friends. i see your heart. and i know, you arent always the way you project yourself to be. its okay, your secret is safe with me. thank you for the jokes, the stories, the cheap thrills, the political discussions. thank you for everything. i believe in your talent. you should believe in yourself. remember how we used to talk about how we dont belong? now we have all the time in the world to do the stuff we want. i've got ideas. lets talk sometime.

17. greenbelt church is memorable for us. and my nursing uniform. i remember you used to say im always so fashionably dressed when im out of katulong duty. im glad we hit it off. back then internet was a safe place to make friends. glad i met you back then. i know you're very proud of me. right? and i miss our chitchats. and our panlalaits. and how we were miserably in love but always unrequited. dont worry. i'll find a cute houseboy for you to date.

18. i always dream of you at night. and i hate it. thank you for ruining my life. you used to be a cool person. we were close. they always say im your little version. and i was so proud. but i hate the way you think. you think that you're the cleanest, classiest, most respectable woman on earth. you have no faults. you create high standards for the littlest things. and i hate you terribly. i hate you so much. you are such a gossip. you've ruined my reputation. you've spread lies about me. of course people believe you because you project yourself as a reliable source. what the hell?! thank you for taking away my happiness. you'd regret that you didnt give me a chance to speak. thank you for not making me defend myself. and yes, maybe the funk that i am in now is because of your chained curses. thank you for wishing me bad-luck. i hope you drown wherever you are. i swear you are the bane of my existence.

19. you are an old miserable hag. the ultimate orocan. you want to do stuff for us just so you could brag that youre the good person and were bad. just die. please just fucking die.

20. come out, come out, wherever you are. go on and tell everyone. i really dont care.

21. you always want to do better coz youre insecure of me. you ask about my life and i tell  you my problems. i ask for help and YOU OPENLY REFUSE TO HELP. you just want to know how bad im doing so that you and your ugly offspring can laugh about my misery. you want to feel good about yourselves. you want to know our latest downfall and brag about your small triumphs. and what does that make you? STILL UGLY. btw what you achieve is nothing compared to what ive done.

22. this is all your fault. you had to be gay. if not, all my problems wouldnt have surfaced. remember. we have to have the perfect child. or remember knox and viv? maybe we have to have twins.

23. i hope, things dont change between us. you will and always be my heart warmer. im so proud of your accomplishments. sorry im so tactless at times. i miss our talks. you dont have to worry unleashing your wild side the next time im around. im quite open-minded and will accept you no matter what creature you choose yourself to morph into. next time dont hold back. its okay. we can talk about everything, not only our love lives. you were there when no one else believed in me. thank you for inviting me to be a temporary member of your group. i miss you terribly.

24. i remember our bus ride. it was september 1, remember? and we were so sweet to each other some people could have thought we were a real couple. i appreciate everything about you. thank you for defending me to those "bad people". i wish i could see you sometime.

25. we were school pets when we were kids. and we grew up being seatmates. i know you're having terrible times. im praying for you. and no matter what happens ill be here for you. doesnt matter whether im still your best friend or whatever. i dont care. all i know is that id be there for you. i hope things were as simple as a shawarma from before.

26. disgusting. thanks for the word. back at you.

27. your secret is safe with me. or its not really a secret after all. dont worry. someday we can go to emba finally. and oh. im so glad we always talk. and im so glad we're close. i need you in my life. please dont go away. i appreciate your open-mindedness. and thank god we can talk about anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im always here for you.

28. the greatest mentor in the world. i wouldnt have done a lot of things if not for you. when i get my $8 M i'll give you a beach property and endless supply of airline tickets. i havent forgotten. i know i know. we're soulmates as youve said time and again. you still have a lot to teach me. comeby again anytime. i trust you 100%, and i know you know that. thank you. seriously. and i need that big hug.

that i will do what you want on friday. but i know i will fail.

theres absolutely no way i could come up with that large amount. so i'll do what you want instead.

i just want to get this over with. i want to prove to everybody that this hype called nursing is nothing but.....a....... hype.

it doesnt define people's fortunes. it is just a hype.








anyway. another topic.

people just LOVE hating me. they really LOVE HATING me.

next time when people like you ask what ive been up to, i'll just say, "YEAH. YOUR KID'S ACTUALLY PRETTIER THAN ME. YEAH SHE'S ACTUALLY SMARTER THAN ME. YOU ARE WAY WAY WAY RICHER THAN US. WE'RE DIRT POOR, REMEMBER? YEAH MY FAMILY'S BREAKING APART. YOURS IS SO MUCH STRONGER RIGHT? OF COURSE YOUR KIDS ARE SO MUCH BETTER. THEY'VE MADE GOOD FORTUNES. IM ACTUALLY IN A ROUGH PATCH RIGHT NOW. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?"

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANNA HEAR?

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!

yeah go on hate me. just go on, do this for yourself. GO AND HATE ME.

it doesnt make any difference you know? i've been hated all my life. ever since i was born some people out there just plain HATED me. i grew up and i was a bitch i know. but i was nice most of the time. people still hated me. i've grown up being hated and it actually surprised me that i am soooooooo accepting of everyone around me while they stand at the sidelines criticizing me. THEY HATE ME SO MUCH THEY PRACTICALLY BUILT THEIR LIVES AROUND THE HATE THEY HAVE FOR ME.

yeah go on and HATE ME. hate me you bitches.

fucking losers. whats there to envy anyway? i thought youre much better? i thought youre smarter? i thought you're more beautiful? i thought you're wealthier? i thought you're more popular? i thought you're more talented?

then whats there to hate if YOU'RE REALLY ALL THAT? oh come on. just a little self-assurance? so why me, then?

now now. dont even wonder why im like this. you dont even need to ask why im sooooooooooooo bitter and angry at the world.

i know i have choices. others will say, yeah yeah. you dont have to be affected. you can choose to live your life. just dont listen to them.

well what do you do when the people who hate you are the very people you love? or people whom you've trusted?

is like what this blog had sung for me the last time i was here. i vowed never to return.

hello LJ.

:) i passed the Nursing Board Exams!

  Stuff

1. I cant believe that i've got so many other blogs but this is the one i always return to. my blogs are all so full of drama and no one will ever find an inch of happiness here, coz when i'm happy, i dont write the stuff that i'm happy about. why waste time writing about happiness, just go out there and live it, share it, laugh it out!

2. my lovelife is very very very very very complicated.
    a. we want to get married but
    b. my family (mom and dad side) doesnt approve of our relationship and
    c. he has done a lot of stuff that i really cant forgive and accept and these stuff
          1. made me lose trust
          2. destroyed almost my whole life (no, if you only knew.. i am not exag-ing stuff)
    d. but i cant let him go because... i dont know i just cant
    e. even if i've lost myself, my friends, and my whole family's trust, so,
    f.  i'm thinking, is it worth it? and i've thought, no, it isnt worth it, but
    g. something in me says i have to give him another chance, forgive him, and also forgive myself
    h. and just try to have my own life and not depend on him for happiness, right?

3. which prompts me to have another soul-search. soul search meaning:
    a. acceptance of the past, repentance etc etc
    b. search for what truly makes me happy
    c. to reach out to family and friends
    d. form new goals, revisit dreams, etc etc

4. the board exam results are gonna be released on monday. how come i have this feeling that i wouldnt pass..

5. im studying for NCLEX, using the materials from chinkee and arlene

6. i dont want to go to the states anymore...

7. and if ever i go there, i'd send myself to med school

8. i want to be a surgeon. or a therapist.

9. i want to help as much people as i can.

10 and travel the world.

11. and write books

12. and play all kinds of extreme sports

13. make difference

i want a lot of things. and each day, there's only one thing that i think of when i wake up: "i want to be great". greatness--the word itself is a universe of meanings, of possibilities...

wanting to end this agony
the world has to stop
time has to stop for me
i live in fear
no this is not just any ordinary ordeal
and i wish not one of the people i know
undergo the same fate
and whats more painful is that
i have to keep this to myself
and i have to bear it alone.
the wait alone, is searing
every minute, excruciating
there is no one to call out to
unable to bargain with a higher being
i keep believing
that someday, it'll be all gone
but how come somedays never seem to materialize?
i just want this gone.
i just want this gone.
i just want this gone.